Disclaimer: If you’re a close friend or family and you’re reading this, these words are not directed at you and please continue to ask me how I’m doing (if you’re inclined do so). You are my anchors and I love you.
This is a topic I’ve really struggled with over the last year. Being public about having cancer means you expose yourself to everything, from wonderful acts of kindness, support like you couldn’t even imagine, to the awkward, how are you feeling innocently said in passing. I’m still not sure I have the words to describe how a simple, well-meaning question, or silence for that matter, can completely rattle you. The internal aftermath of some cancer related conversations is dark and stormy and often lingers with me. I was prompted to write about this by an article I read a few days ago in the New York Times. So instead of trying put it in my own words, I’ll just copy and paste a few excerpts.
• Don’t talk about other patients with similar cancers, even if they fared well — no two cancers are alike. It’s fine, though, to ask if the patient would like to talk with someone else who’s been through it.
• Don’t say the patient is lucky to have one kind of cancer rather than another, which downplays what the person is going through. There’s nothing lucky about having cancer even if it’s a “good” cancer.
• Don’t say “I know how you feel” because you can’t possibly know. Better to ask, “Do you want to talk about how you feel, how having cancer is affecting you?”
• Don’t suggest that the person’s lifestyle is to blame for the disease, even if it may have been a contributing cause. Blame is not helpful. Many factors influence cancer risk; even for lifelong smokers, getting cancer is often just bad luck.
• Don’t preach to the patient about staying positive, which can induce feelings of guilt in the patient if things don’t go well. Better to say, “I’m here for you no matter what happens,” and mean it.
• Don’t ask about prognosis. If the patient volunteers that information, it’s O.K. to talk further about its implications. Otherwise, it’s better to stifle your curiosity.
• Don’t burden the patient with your own feelings of distress, although it’s fine to say, “I’m so sorry this happened to you.” If you feel overwhelmed by the prospect of interacting with a person with cancer, it’s better to say, “I don’t know what to say” than to say nothing at all or to avoid the person entirely, who may then feel abandoned and think you don’t care.
my polite tumor 